The Most Surprising Reasons You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex

Low self-esteem

If you don’t already have this one memorized, the first thing you need to learn about sex is that your mind plays just as big a role as your body. For example, when each partner is feeling hot and confident, fooling around is as natural as breathing. But when one or both partners suffer major esteem issues, sex may stop dead in its tracks.

When this happens, it’s important to diagnose and treat the problem. Some people may just need more words of support from their partner, and others may get their confidence back by exercising more or even just getting a bold new haircut. Of course, some self-esteem issues go deeper, and it may take therapy (as individuals or as a couple) before you can fully restore the mojo in your relationship.

No emotional intimacy

There are some folks out there (okay, admittedly, it’s mostly guys) who don’t require much in the way of emotional intimacy to get frisky. For most people in a committed relationship, it’s important to nurture each other’s feelings with things like words of affirmation, hugs, and sweet text messages out of the blue.

Those may sound like little things but they all add up to make for a happy couple. Conversely, if one partner stops giving out that kind of nonsexual affection, he is likely to stop receiving any sexual affection in bed. In fact, we know someone who cheated on her husband and the father of her three kids just so she could hear some kind words from time to time!

Moral of the story? Your relationship is what you make of it, and you build it strong all over again by letting the other person know how you feel.

Lack of communication

Overhead view of couple sleeping in Bed together. Woman is laying in her Husband arms. The man has tattoos on his hands.

Here’s a hot tip: most dead bedrooms begin with a lack of communication. Some people shy away from telling their partners what they really desire and get frustrated by not getting what they didn’t ask for. Others put their fantasies out there only to realize they have a partner who tunes out their needs at the worst possible time.

It can feel a little silly talking about this stuff, but you and your partner should know what you want to do in (and out) of bed, how often you want to do it, and even what each other’s naughtiest fantasies are. All of this improves communication, which naturally improves your sex life.

Moreover, after a few weird conversations, you might end up having more sex and better sex than ever before!

Kids can (temporarily) kill your sex life

Here’s some real talk: after you have a kid with someone, your sex life with that person will be less-than-stellar for the first few years. There are many reasons for this, including that the sheer amount of time and effort that goes into raising a kid by day doesn’t leave much time for epic sessions between the sheets and night.

That doesn’t mean new parents have to throw in the towel regarding their sex lives, though. If at all possible, try to schedule time once a month (ideally, once a week) when the two of you can leave kids with a parent or sitter and enjoy a romantic date together. On top of that, be sure to schedule days and times for having sex.

The last part may not sound very fun if you are used to sudden and spontaneous bursts of affection. But the truth is that your life is now a slave to your kid’s schedule for the foreseeable future. If you don’t schedule some loving for yourself in return, it’s going to be a long few years!

Stress is always a mood killer

We have good news and bad news. The good news is that if you’re wondering why your partner isn’t as interested in lovemaking anymore, the reason why is almost always stress. The bad news is that almost anything can be a source of nookie-killing stress, so it’s important to be vigilant about stressors in you and your partner’s life and work to mitigate them.

For example, someone may be stressed over everything from an overbearing boss to a recent health diagnosis. Notably, these are situations that a partner can’t simply fix. Instead, the “solution” is to offer the partner something to relieve the stress, including giving them the chance to vent or offering to give them a non-sexual massage.

If there isn’t great communication in the relationship, it can be hard to sus out what the source of stress is. But as a general rule, the more you offer stress relief and emotional support to your partner, the likelier they are to feel like a roll in the hay.